Maybe the idea of a career just isn't meant for some people. I started off finishing college in a whirl of design and desire. I worked for a month bricklaying and saved up enough to move 3500 miles away from Buffalo which smacked me in central London. I spent my college graduation money and the (really) hard earned bricklaying funds in the first two weeks. I drank and walked the streets, found myself heading up unfamiliar alleys trailing tumbling newspapers and sidestepping steamvents. I got a job selling stolen speakers out of a van. Only the speakers weren't stolen- it was a pitch to crane some poor gits head to fish into his wallet for a few hundred quid. I lasted four days at that one. Then I got a career emptying ash trays and beer bottles in a converted church called the Limelight- I'd work until 4 and jump a bus that dropped me two miles shy of my apartment, with the sun behind me like super string theory all the long walk home. Sometimes i'd sing songs I made up to keep myself occupied. I hated the people i worked with, but sidelined my feelings because I had no money for food, and trust me, when you miss a few meals in a row, you forgive a lot for a bit of cash to buy you one. I moved from London to Coventry and took up a job with the last of my legal work visa selling rental TV's at a place called Granada rentals... a college graduate english degree at it's finest.
To sound bitter wouldn't make any sense to me, life has been a long frustration. I'm now in another job I can't stand, selling a product I don't believe in and yet I think things will be different. It's been 9 years since those days in England. I'm now in Philadelphia. Abrupt and caught somehow by my own frustration with myself. To forgive the past? I carry it with me as I can't get rid of myself.
I've read about the now. The now that forgets the past and just is. The useless psychobabble of someone else who's forced to use a learned language, a house of cards that we ply, but never really dissasemble, the house caves, but the cards still remain. Experiencing the same sun and alternating stars over and over. Same sun: same differentiating, forgetful and overly moody heart.